About two weeks ago I played some minifoot with a bunch of guys from school on some old school Metrodome 70’s style turf. My official back from retirement match was going well until a quick start and stop took my toenail clear off my big toe on my right foot. As I got home after the match I took my sock off as slowly as possible and saw a black toenail.
I immediately went into a panicky sweat, figuring I was only days away from going into a hut in Hay Hassani where a guy with a set of pliers would simply cut off my leg game of thrones style to stop the rot from taking over (this of course is how broken toes are dealt with in Morocco).
Even though I did not have a limp after the game I magically gave myself one for the next 2 days upon my self-evaluation. That Monday I saw the school nurse, where I was told my toenail would eventually fall off and a new, weird looking toenail would take over. I was somewhat relieved until I thought about how weird my feet look already (roman toe till I die!).
The nurse also suggested that I file the nail down so I could alleviate some pressure while jogging, so after my first jog I was in the middle of doing that when I popped what seemed to be a hidden fountain of blood that was being stored under my toenail. After the geyser effect finished, and a few toilet paper rolls later my toe looked like nothing had ever happened to it. So basically, screw you made up plier guy…
– Everyone seems to think they can fight in the UFC until they stub their toe to bring their bathroom mirror dreams crashing down to modesty.
– Unrelated but necessary follow-up to the last comment: At least I am an amazing shower singer.